The Quarantine Interviews

10 May 2020

Raelene is waiting for mail.


How are you feeling?

Pretty bummed. I was planning on wearing my fabulous new Zoom earrings for this chat, but they’re lost in the post.


Zoom earrings?

It’s a new marketing category, apparently. Everything you once bought for regular life is now repackaged for Zoom. I bought a Zoom hat as well, and some Zoom lippy. I’m not sure what Zoom bath salts are, but I bought some of those too. Racy packaging.


Quite a spree. What else have you bought online?

Let’s see… a coffee machine, an air fryer, a cinema screen and a blow-up lap pool. I’ve ordered an original mid-century cocktail bar as well, just for a bit of fun in the afternoons. Oh, and a pianola. There’s one or two other items on my credit card statement that I don’t recognise – I may have done some shopping under the influence.


It’s all sounding quite elaborate. If you don’t mind me asking, how are you financing all the spending?

I invented the card game Exploding Kittens, which is suddenly selling its socks off. You can’t get your hands on it at the moment – people panic bought, along with all the jigsaws. There’s an emergency shipment on its way from China. Thank you, Twiggy.


Do you think you’ll regret any of your recent purchases, given that restrictions are being eased all the time and you won’t be needing such a comprehensive recreation hub at home?

I doubt it. I like being stuck at home – I’m actually building a moat.


Wow, really?

Well, my front yard got washed away in the recent storms, so I figured I might as well make a feature of it. It’s full of edible plants and bream, so I won’t go hungry. I’m working on the draw bridge at the moment. That’s for the postie, if he ever comes. Anyone else that wants me can write me a letter, which probably won’t arrive. I’m going full hermit.


Wow, really?

Just until the cafes open and my hairdresser goes back to work. I’m not a barbarian. About a week, I’d say. Want to meet for lunch?