THE QUARANTINE INTERVIEWS: ONE

20 March 2020

Bernice is staying upbeat with feats of domestic fortitude.

So much time at home. How are you spending it?

Today I’ve made six jars of pickled cucumber, two cakes and a triple batch of tuna mornay. I hardly recognise myself; I’m thinking of changing my name to something a bit more 1950s Housewife: Betty, maybe. I also washed all the curtains and started purging the filing cabinet.

What did you find?

A warranty for a Sony Walkman, seven superannuation policies, some press clippings from that time I got the bravery medal, a business plan for the juice bar I never opened, and a whole sheet of 10c stamps.

You got a bravery medal?

Look, I don’t feel good about it. Some loon was wielding a knife outside a cinema and I thought he was just play acting – he was dressed a bit like Indiana Jones, which was a huge movie at the time. I walked up and thrust my light saber at him, thinking he might like a friendly stoush. He dropped the knife and hoofed it. I was just a kid, really, looking for a bit of fun.

Wow. And is there anything you’re missing at the moment?

I could use a salary.

Will you nap at some stage today?

Of course! Napping helps the immune system. So does playing. I’ve got the Twister mat out. I’ll have to play solo, obviously, but I’m multi-tasking – I plan to come out of this thing with my first ever six pack, and Twister is excellent for the abs. Glutes, too.