“I make a mean lasagne, everyone knows it.

I’ve won the neighbourhood lasagne bake-off three years running. There’s been a bit of blowback; some of the losers want me barred from entering, so that everyone else can have a fair shot at it.

The thing is, everyone does have a fair shot at it. They show up with their creations made from fancy organic truss tomatoes shipped in from Italy, or mince slow cooked at 40 degrees for 14 hours in a cast iron pot, or vegan bechamel made with the milk of virgin almonds.

But they don’t win, do they?

I use tinned tomatoes and pre-shredded cheese from the supermarket – I’m a working mother! – but I really put my heart into it. I’ll be showing up at the bake-off this year with my whole heart as usual. If somebody else wins it, I’ll be totally fine with that. Glory is like lasagne; there’s plenty to go around. Some of it’s a bit half-baked, but still.”