“For an old chook with withered feet, Delilah was quite the goer.” Tap for more.

“I carried a giant stuffed beetroot around for a while, but I found that the lobster just got a better class of laugh…” Tap for more

“I’ve won the neighbourhood lasagne bake-off three years running. There’s been a bit of blowback…”

“I’m not going to let some jelly-arsed little suckers with no brains stop me from getting the best out of my day…”

“I spent a goodly part of last night’s meditation class thinking about spaghetti carbonara…”